A day in the life of

Whats left, when you take everything away from me?

My self worth

My confidence

My ability to say no

My strength

My voice

My independence

My freedom

My life

Thats what you took from me, what did you leave me with?

Anxiety

Doubt

Fear

Disgust and anger at myself

Crippling insecurity

I have my independence back but is it worth anything when im so crippled with self doubt?

How do you live a life when your plagued with disgust at your self for letting yourself be hit, to be belittled and insulted? To be spat on and cheated on?

I know the cheating wasnt my fault but his favourite past time was to torment me with details with how good they were and how much better then me they were.

Its been nearly 2 years since i left. And hes still got power over me. When i was given the choice why didnt i just let him beat me senseless and phone the police? Surely that pain couldnt be worse then this?

This cripplingly fear that im not worthy, not good enough, not pretty enough, not sane enough, not skinny enough.

Every since i was diagnosed with mental health i have always been wary of guys. Of putting my issues onto guys, its not fair for them. Ive had maybe 3 serious relationships in 10 years. But now? I see no hope for me.

~

Imagine this:

You like someone. Its new, you feel butterflies for the first time since Lucifer. He makes you laugh so hard from the most random conversations. He seems perfect.

Until the doubt sets it. Until the insecurity starts. Which it already has because why would someone like him want me?

How do you tell someone you like that your damaged beyond repair?

They know what you’ve gone through but not the damage afterwards, they dont know about the fear to sleep some nights because its been a bad day and you know that means nightmares.

They dont know you wont walk alone in case hes watching you again. That you fear certain areas because thats where he would stalk you.

That you hate the mirror because you hear his voice in your head shouting, ugly, old, fat, worthless, cunt, crazy, not good enough, could be better…

That you dont remember what its like to receive something just because. Not because its a tool, a manipulation, a way to one up you or brag.

That you fear falling in love again because that makes you weak and you cant bear to be that vulnerable to another person.

That you really think your not worthy of love and attention. What would you do with it anyway?

You cant remember the last time a guy just wanted to cuddle with you no sex involved, or stroked your hair to sleep, comforted you when you were sad. When you cant even remember what its like to feel loved and cherished?

How do you tell someone that? They would just see too much hard work and walk away.

Is it better to have a little bit of sunshine before they find out and walk away? Or is it best to just cut it now? Before the feelings start? Before you get hurt because you know you will. Because who could ever love someone so damaged?

Happy Reading Bitches!

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