Ups and downs.
Ups and downs.
Ups and downs.
I guess thats life.
Its been two years since i met him. Half the time I feel overly paranoid. Like i have to check his not stalking me again. His pattern so far is every 6 months and its gone passed that. I worry if he makes an attempt i wont survive this time.
Ive not been sleeping well either. Im constantly reliving memories of events. I know thats the ptsd but i was hoping it would have stopped by now or eased. I had a massive panic attack the other day, Big Sis had wrapped her arms around me and her head was by my necked and i was back in the car and all i could say was let go of my neck over and over. She ended up shouting and saying im nowhere near your neck, but i was too far gone. How do you tell someone who loves you that he gripped you so close to your neck while threatening you, you thought he was going to choke you? That you thought that moment was the last you would have, that you were mentally saying goodbye to your nephews in your head because you had pushed him too far this time and he would end you? That you thought the last thing you would see was his hate filled eyes and his dry chapped lips spitting filth at me.
The other half of me is reckless. Like i have no fear. Ive seen scary and nothing else compares to it. So sometimes i feel like i have no concept of safety. That part scares me more so, i know how to handle the anxiety and the fear, im not sure how to handle this. Is this part of me thats ready to move on? Is that what normal is? I have no concept of what normal is anymore, ive spent 10 years battling my mental health, i cant remember how i used to be. Big Sis does, she remembers how much fun i used to be, how i juggled 5 guys and id have my pick of who my date was. I know she misses the old me. The me i used to be. The me that didnt worry about consequences and was up for anything. Maybe she’ll like having this reckless part of me, it might remind her of the old me.
Daddy text us last night. It was a “friends” 30th birthday party and he wanted to know why we werent there. So this is the girl who ive accidentally shared two guys with, 30 seconds and the partier. I had a 1 night stand with 30 seconds and she had a relationship with him and vice versa with the partier. We were besties but everything changed when she got back with 30 seconds.
Me, Big Sis and T have girls night EVERY week unless one if us is ill. And i invited E for up to 6 months and she didnt once come down, usually doesnt even reply. She was there maybe twice for me after lucifer and was no where to be seen when Big Sis had that Ramsey Hunt Syndrome and was bed bound for months.
I couldnt tell u anything about her current life and the same for her. I know shes crap at replying she always has been, but i cant keep using that as reason to excuse her behaviour when ive spoken to her a hand full of times this year. It came to a head when i didnt hear off her when mine and Big Sis friend died. She didnt reach out once to either of us to see if we were ok or needed anything even though she shared a post about her.
She was meant to come to the youngest nephews bday party. She told another guest she couldnt come and txt Big Sis while the party is happening. Thats just rude. She popped down a few days later to give him a present and spent the time moaning about her bf and how bad stuff is. She didnt even wish me a happy birthday.
So anyway back to the point:
I get what hes saying but after our friend died, we reconnected with old friends and i trust them more. I think what my issue is despite Lucifer i still kept in as much contact as i could. He didn’t completely have control, i kept a tiny part of me hidden away and thats what frustrated him more that he couldnt 100% dominate me. Then she gets back with her boyfriend and cuts us out pretty much completely. Why would i bother wanted to keep a friendship going when its always me making an effort?
Life is too short ive made other friends.
On to a lighter note. I am enrolling into college on Thursday. Start of a new career for me, medical scientist wooooo. If i manage it. Fingers crossed.
Well im off back to work.
Happy Reading Bitches!