A day in the life of

Family Portrait…

So thought id give a brief update on the family situation. Its not ideal but when is a family i suppose.

My cousin is living with my nan, hes a massive coke head even though hes somehow convinced her, hes not taken it anymore. Hes brought random people to my house and woken me up a few times and because a ptsd trigger for me is being woken up suddenly, lets just say i was not amused. Ive stopped going down my nans. I miss her so much, i used to go down every Monday. Id do her food shop and take it all down to her, id cook and id do her a facial or id do a pedicure. But my cousin triggers me so much, hes so manic and unpredictable and thats reminds me of Lucifer on the Boxing Day Event. I have enough anxiety without putting myself through more. Hes always been the golden boy. He cant do no wrong in my nans eyes. My sister used to go there every day and sleep over on saturdays but she pulled back a bit when he moved in. But then the event happened. She’d stayed over like she does every saturday and on the sunday the little one (whos nearly 3) picked up some change my cousin left in a pile from his night out. He was chatting away, my pennies and they laughed. Then he picked someone else up, an empty bag of coke. My sister grabbed it off him and was shaking with fury. If there was any in there at all my nephew could have ingested it 😪. Big sis packed the kids up there and then and left my nans. The cousin told my sis it wouldnt happen again blah blah blah. But when Nan spoke to him he reckons it was his friends (lame ass excuse) and she stuck by him. How fucking dare she stick up for him? Does she not understand the ramifications of it? Big Sis could of lost both of her kids over this. She’s not taken them there since this happened and shes told nan that if she wants to see the boys it has to be their house. While cousin is there, the kids wont ever go there. This has been coming on for months and nan has stuck up for the Golden boy and systematically lost her two children, 3 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren. All over a coke head whose not worth the shit on your shoe. The only one outta thw family who speaks to her regularly is my crazy aunt (who is my cousins mother). Let me break down how selfish she is, nan had a chest infection, bad back/ foot so cant walk very far without her walker and aunty called her and said my backs gone can you come up for a few days to look after me knowing nan wasnt well. I think what her problem is, is she wants to be needed. She wasnt the best mother as far as i can tell when they were kids so shes latched on now to whoever needs her. I hate her abit for what shes put my sis and the kids through but at the same time shes my nan and i miss/love her.

~

Big Sis isnt doing to well. Shes heading for a break down. Shes not been right since our friend died and because of the coke thing shes not been sleeping. Thing is with Sis is she cant be physically alone, she hates it. Im not sure why so she’d she her days up here or at nans and go home after the kids finished school. But now she cant go to nans shes really lost. Lil Nephew starts full time school in September so really not sure how she’ll cope with that.

Our bond is so deep i can tell when shes not herself, i know shes not doing well but theres nothing i can do to help her except be there as support.

~

Ive just stormed upstairs from my mum and step dad. Tension is another ptsd trigger for me, most days i go to bed around 8/9 and then read till i sleep. But tonight i got in and mam had been drinking as per usual. Her and him were snapping at each other, i fucking snapped and said im going bed. Im really unsure how much more i can take of this. Im guna have to talk to her tomorrow, she either stops drinking and therefore stops snapping back at my step dad or i move out. I can get a flat fairly quickly. Thing is, mam isnt a confrontational person, she cant say dont talk to me like that or deal with the issue at the time but when shes had a drink jesus christ she’ll snap at whoever for something that happened 4 weeks ago. It’d be funny if it wasn’t so depressing. My stepdads just as bad, he talks to her like shit too, but when shes had her liquid courage she’ll snap back. Its making me not wana be around them.

I remember when they tried an intervention about Lucifer and i commented to them, you’re the last people who should be talking to me about bad relationships.

~

Speaking of Lucifer i remembered something today. When we first started speaking, he asked me if i wanted as a first date to go to a Justin Bieber concert as he had free tickets. I dont know any of his songs and i felt that was a bit much for a first date so i said no to that. Well he later admitting that he took a different girl with him. It only clicked today, after the concert he was on face-time to me and a girls voice called him and he pulled a face and hung up. He called me back and said it was his room mates gf and i didnt think anything of it. But it was obv the girl he took to the concert and thats why he hung up on me. We slept together the next night. One of the things im so angry at him for is his putting my health at risk, he slept with girls AND guys with no protection and slept with me. He couldve given me anything. Apparently he kicked right off at the concert and i know this because i later read his msgs to his brother and maybe if i had gone before the sex and feelings i would have seen him for what he was, but then again maybe not because he could’ve said he was just drunk.

I still get so angry at myself for always going back, i had so many opportunities to walk away and i didn’t take them. Im not sure how to release the anger. I still get nightmares about 3-4 times a week, i wake up shaking, usually when im napping because i dont take my tablets to nap and my mind isnt hazed so i get these nightmares and i usually wake in a panic attack because they feel so real, im not sure where i am.

~

I wonder sometimes if im too broken. Its not a party pity im looking for by saying that. But i have so many issues what kinda guy would be willing to over look or help me with this.

Anyway i think thats enough for now.

Happy Reading Bitches!

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