I started my Trauma Stabilisation course today or how to stop being so broken. The question of the hour? How?
One session in and i already woke up with a horrendous nightmare but it was after that was worse, i couldnt find mum, i needed to know mum was safe, i dont know why, i just needed to know she was ok but i didnt feel safe until i knew she was.
With all this going on, ive been feeling lonely, not in the sense of family and friends but a partner. Someone equal to me who will pick me up when im down, make me laugh, hug me from behind, kiss my forehead, say goodnight and good morning. Someone i can be there for equally. That will appreciate my thoughtfulness, that i can just be me with them. But how can i be? When im so very broken.
How do you fix whats broken?
How do you stop being this?
How do you explain that you wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares not knowing where you are.
To explain that when i see the flashes, I’m back in a car where i thought i was going to die while he teased me about getting help. That i was too afraid to leave the car and beg someone for help in case they didn’t and it would have been worse. That he would have beat the shit out of me after getting back into the car.
Sometimes when i dream or have a flashback im aware and im watching the scene and im screaming get out, fight back, why did you go back, if you hadnt of gone back then you wouldnt be in this situation, fearing for you life.
How do you expect someone to be with someone that broken?
Who cant have their arm touched where he grabbed you that badly he left bruises for a month.
Or have someone jump out on you because you immediately panic and think your back in the car.
Who cant switch their thoughts off for a single second because they never feel safe.
I want someone who can kiss me senseless and make my knees go weak but makes me feel so very safe.
But how to do that when first looking at guys you dont judge their looks, you judge them how badly they look like they could hurt you. If he ended up hitting me would he do more damage then Lucifer. Would i survive it again?
Who would want someone like that?
Someone they have to watch and take care of like a child. That they would have to sensitive to.
As you can see its a bad day.
I hate that he still has this power over me, that he can still make me feel worthless. Do you know when i look in the mirror, i still hear his voice saying his favourite expresssion “fat, ugly, cunt”.
I look at my nephews, my two pregnant friends, my two other friends who have kids and i hope they know how lucky they are to have these precious babies. I dont think ill ever have that, everyone says id be a natural mother because im aunty to all of the kids and i make a joke that i like being aunty because i get to have a nap after the hand over when in reality, i refuse to have children. Ever since i learnt about my mental health and that id always have anxiety problems, i decided i didnt want to put that on a child. A child should have a happy childhood, not one where their mother wakes up sobbing from nightmares. By the time I’m somewhat fixed it will most likely be too late to have children.
Hopefully the light will come back. The light at the end of the tunnel, i cant see it today but theres always tomorrow.
Happy Reading Bitches!