A day in the life of

2019… it begins…

Its been a really long time since i posted. So ill update you on whats been happening.

Ive been given a support worker. Shes been helping me with what i can claim. They offered to out me on the housing list to move away from him but i declined because i don’t want to move out and isolate myself even further.

I met with my psychiatrist and they have offered me trauma counselling for my PTSD and then i will have this new treatment called Eye-movement Therapy. So basically it will rewire my brain to not feel anxiety when i think about the events of Lucifer. I start all of this at the end of Jan. I am looking forward to it but not sure how it will help because my PTSD isnt so much an event but a person. But we’ll just have to see.

One of my oldest friends was diagnosed with cancer last year. They treated the secondary cancer with chemo, and then treated the first with radiation. It was looking really good, we had planned to meet up after christmas but when she went for her scans on the 27th they told her it had spread and she was now terminal. Me and Big Sis found out on New Years Day, by that point she had already been moved to hospice care. She got her wish and was married yesterday. She looked beautiful. She wont make her 31st birthday and wont survive to her sons first birthday in a few weeks. She has started the morphine treatment. Basically because we don’t allow end of care suicide, doctors will high doses of morphine to terminal patients to keep them out of pain and to kill them. It is a kindness. She has two weeks they think but now shes married i don’t think she’ll last the week. Shes leaving two beautiful children. I shouldn’t say leaving, as if she had a choice in it. She fought hard against the cancer. And those children were miracles. She was told she wouldnt conceive, she used to have two periods a year and managed to get pregnant with her oldest but had that severe morning sickness. Shes the only person is know that lost weight from pregnancy, she ended up in hospital a few times with dehydration.

I cant bear it, she was the first one outside of my family to know about Lucifer. When my nan died 10 plus years ago, she was there, she took me and Big Sis out, she picked us up from the funeral and made sure we ate something. She lived with us for two years. I cant think of a world without her.

A few good things have come out of this though. Something like this makes you realise how short and precious life really is. I got in touch with an old friend who also knew our friend whose dying. We’ve made peace and have decided to meet up once a month with Big Sis. I text her on Sat and told her if anything happened to her id be devastated. Growing up she was my second big sister. She was always with Big Sis, they were the best of friends. I remember being about 16 and mum had overdosed and i found her. I rang Big Sis who was out and our friend had ran from town to my house to make sure i was ok and not alone. She ran in heels to get to be. She said thats all she thought of, was getting to me. Im glad we are going to make an effort with our friendship again because i idealised her so much, like i said she was my second big sister.

Ive also decided to go back to university. Ive been thinking of doing it for a while. I want to be a Holistic Therapist. Im already trained in massage so think i can go straight on to the degree. I want to do research into how holistic medicine can have positive effects on disease and mental health. There isnt a lot of research into. I remember going to the doctors with mum about her leg and mum had mentioned i massage it. He turned around and said well thats not going to help because theres no positive research to back up massage helping someone. I felt like saying because theres no research at all but let it go. He’s a western doctor, he’s not likely to see positive aspects of holistic.

Ive also been to my appeal for my benefits. I didnt think it had gone well but i got a letter two days later saying i am getting my money back and having it backdated. Yay me.

Well think thats all for now.

Happy Reading Bitches!

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