I havent posted in a while. Ive been writing in a diary all my thoughts to help my PIP claim. I decided to look through my diary entries for a week and type it up.
So heres the catch up:
Ive been diagnosed with PTSD, my doctor said i should be starting to heal after 6 months but because i get stuck in the memories, i cant get out. So ive been sent to the psychiatrist to organise some treatments for it.
Ive been starting to figure out my triggers and why i have them.
1) arguing especially if someone shouts beck
Reminds me of being in the car with him when he shouted beck and then punched me in the back.
2) someone jumping out or scaring me
I flash to him, at the moment i think its him. I think the adrenal of being scared reminds me of a panic attack and i flash to him.
3) the car
Ive always had panic attacks in the car, since a crash i had when i was 18 but i feel uncomfortable now because we had to spend so much time in the car and he obvious drove me away and told me i wasnt going home.
Last year for my birthday he ruined it by breaking up with me the day before because he thought i was screwing his room mate. So timeline:
He was meant to meet my sister and help me make stuff for my craft fair the next day. He backed out of it then made me feel like shit saying he has anxiety and i should understand it especially because i have it too. Anyway he picked me up and as im making jewellery he decides to do coke from his house mate. Id never seen someone do coke before so i was upset.
He said i was a child for not telling him he couldnt do coke. He asked me if it was ok in front of the housemates, i felt i couldnt say no. But he thought i was conspiring with his roommates girlfriend and slagging him off. He went out for the day and turns out he did coke and took a girl back and shagged her 5 times.
Hes funny with me all day and accusing me of cheating.
He admits he cheated and i go up and talk to him. I agree to stay with him.
So on the Thursday he took me to the beach got stoned and we had to stay up there for like 2 hours because he couldnt drive and because he was too stoned he couldnt talk so i was basically stuck on mine own for two hours. I fell asleep without taking any of my tablets, i still had my clothes on. I remember him waking me up and said take your jumper off its itching me but i was comfy so i said no and cuddled in. He told me about his roomate B. B kicked off with him about cheating on me and B told him that what he did was wrong. Lucifer said that he obviously liked me and was trying to steal me.
He broke up with me. He said i was cheating on him with B. What it was, i didnt feel well because i missed my tablets and so i went downstairs to have a cigerette and maybe some milk. B came out of his bedroom so i hid upstairs and waited for him to leave so i could go downstairs. B came back in and went straight back out. I went back upstairs and felt so shaky and faint i ran up the stairs so i could collapse on the bed. Lucifer was convinced i had given B a bj. He said he was watching me and seen me hide from B and convinced himself it was because i had cheated. Anyway he broke it off with me that day.
My birthday. Big sis tried to make it special, she took me to cardiff. We went shopping and had lunch. She got me a cake too. It was a nice day but i was down.
Fast forward to the next Tuesday
He txt me saying he wanted to talk and would i be open to getting back together.
A few days or maybe a week later, he admitted to having been seeing the girl he cheated on me with. He had been texting her after that Sat night and broke up with me to be with her and used the excuse of me cheating to brake up. He said he didnt want her but me. But he didnt tell me this, i found it out by accident. He slipped up and said he had txt her for weed. I was like what? And because he was drunk he admitted he had been seeing her.
So back to to point, my birthday this year, i wanted to do the same thing as last year but be happy and make it a positive. It worked, Big Sis and new Bestie T took me to primark and i laughed so much. Such a good day.
Anyway i know why your really reading this: GUYS.
Yes ive been on dates and got some planned. I have about 4 guys on the go.
So let me tell you about guy 1. Guess who its with my friend the Army Boss. The one lucifer thought i had cheated on him with. Well he text me last Fri saying he was heading home and did i want a catch up. I havent laughed so hard in ages.
At the end of the date, i went to get out of the car and he said give me a kiss, he leaned in and kissed my cheek and i went to walk out and he grabbed me and kissed me hard. Dreamy.
BUT he has a girlfriend, so i text saying as much as i liked the kiss i cant cheat. He said he understood and we still had a date the next day. It wasnt really dates but a meet up, dont really know what else to call it so we’ll go with date. Anyway he said things werent great with his gf, he wants to move back down here for his kids and shes london based.
So on the Sat we meant up again, parked up to go to the pub and he said sorry for the kiss and then leaned in and kissed me again. It was hot. So we were drinking and he said lets go back to mine and carry on drinking as long as you dont mind that its abit bare because he had just moved in. He paid for my cans and we sat on his sofa and talked and kissed. It was really HOT. It was only kissing and a bit of boob player but jesus… no words on how hot it was. It was like sweet torture. In my head though i never forgot he had a gf, no matter how much they werent working. It was sweet aswell because we would cuddle for a bit and hed stroke my hair or face and i felt so safe and treasured. At one point he was tugging my cardie and later asked if i was cold, he had been tugging me into my cardie 😍. Cute! But i was dropping asleep so ordered a taxi home.
But thats the end of that because he hasnt really text me, hes all loved up on facebook apparently. I think hes asked his gf to move down here. It hurts that he used me as a one night stand, he was a best friend and helped so much after Lucifer. I never thought he’d do that to me. Mum and Big Sis were convinced that he loved me, they always said i should give him a chance but i never did, and when i did, he treated me like an object. Sigh.
The next guy is the Player. I think ill do a new chapter on him. Anyway we’ve been meeting for coffee and been having fun with that.
Thats all for now guys.
Happy Reading Bitches!