Its been a while i know. Ive been struggling and been putting off writing because i have so many demons chasing me i didnt wqnt to relive it. But im already living it so i may as well write it.
Ive been having panic attacks. When i lie in bed, i relive these memories, its like im there again, and i cant escape. I cant stop it. I started scratching again. That doesnt even relieve the panic me. Im stuck in those memories screaming at myself that i should have left, i should have walked away but it relives it the way it happened. I see him driving up the mountain and me crying to go home, i relieve thinking that he was going to kill me, that i wouldnt survive to see the boys grow up, that i would miss out on their milestones. I relive him hitting me and spitting in my face. The punch hurt but the spitting was worse. It was derogatory. Who does that? Who spits in someones face?
I relive all the times he walked away and how i came back time and time again. How he ruined Ireland because i constantly had to tell him i wasnt cheating. When i was in ireland he told me he was taking an overdose. I rung him, tried to hack his accounts, messaged his roommate, until i had a text that he lied and wanted to wind me up. How many times did he lock me in his bedroom and tell me i couldnt go home, or turn up at my house and demand i go home with him so he could keep and eye on me? I scream at myself in those memories “tell your family, they will keep you safe”. I was ashamed and i also wanted it to work, i wanted us to survive because in my head i had already lost my family, they didnt speak to me properly, i had already caused the rift so all i had was lucifer so it needed to work.
I keep going to the doctors and nothing is helping, the counseller doesnt help- when it happened i blocked it out because i couldnt deal with what happend, i would break and there was no coming back from it so i didnt feel anything but now im telling her about it and im reliving it and i cant put myself together. I am so broken at the moment.
Everything is falling apart. My anxiety hasnt been this bad since i was first diagnosed. I jump when my phone goes, the door goes, im looking around seeing danger everywhere, i cant be alone because the thoughts become overwhelming, they are crushing me.
My pip was cancelled so ive been fighting for that. Ive had to work extra hours to compensate for the lost money (which isnt helping my anxiety) and now im working too much they cancelled my working tax. So im screwed money wise. We booked disney and we are going in sept, i have £250 to pay off and then spending money. I owe £120 to mum and i havent paid my stepdad rent. Its really really piling up.
My counseller said i have to remind myself im in control, i am safe and even when i was with him, i was still in control because he couldnt completely take me. Bunch of bullshit.
I did have a private session in krav maga from a friend, only had one panic attack so i suppose thats a win. He taught me how to get out of holds, im going to carry it on, its helping me, its making me feel that little bit stronger.
So whats a girl to do with no benefits, no more, no hope and no way back? She struggles on as she always has i suppose.
Happy Reading Bitches.