Ive been on the phone to tax credits. I may or may not owe £700 in over payments, they said they will know next april. I broke down. Mums not helping, “beck its fine we’ll sort it out” “dont worry about it”. Those are the worst things you can say to an anxiety sufferer. I do worry and i fight every single day. Not just about this, about everything, i am fighting to keep by head above water in all aspects. Im fighting for my pip, i fought lucifer and the police, im fighting the demons and darkness trying to bring me down, i fight every day. I fight the thoughts that threaten to overwhelm me, i fight the panic i always feel, i fight to look normal because i get told “your face looks like a slapped arse” “cheer up” “misery guts”.
And im losing that fight, im losing the will to keep fighting. What happens then? Because im so very tired. Im tired of being strong. Im tired of trying to keep the thoughts at bay. Im tired after waking up and feeling stiff and sore from the jumping legs.
So very tired. How do you keep your head up when all you want to do is hide and make it stop. Make the panic go, make the tiredness stop, make everything stop.
There is no escape. It is crippling. How do you keep fighting when everyone seems to keep telling me not to worry. My problems, the things i think, are very real to me. Telling me these things make me feel like im not worthy of their time, that they dont care enough r my problems and believe they are real and bad to me.
I know i have people around that love me. Maybe its just been that long since i was this bad that they’ve forgotten how to help me manage it.
I have to take each day as it comes, i have to fight once more and not give up because of those boys, i dont want them to think back and say aunty was never there. So to fight i go, to slay the demons in my head.
Happy Reading Bitches.