Im in counselling now. I started on Wednesday. I like her, shes really nice so far, guaranteed ill hate her at one point in the treatment. She wanted abit of background information on me so that i wouldnt break down before i was ready because i will break down when dealing with the Lucifer stuff. So just chatting about my diagnosis and abit about my family. But i must have opened the flood gate because ive been thinking about him. Ill get back to this in a moment.
I went to my Great Aunty’s 70th birthday. She made me cry. I hate seeing her because she looks so much like my nan and it hurts seeing her. She asked if i was ok and gave me a speech, saying i was stronger then anyone especially him. I was filling up so much. But then when i was in bed, i was thinking of Lucifer and i was having panic attacks. Im so angry at myself, i should of left. It was so hard though. When we’d argue, Id switch my phone on do not disturb or block his number and he would turn up. He turned up once and told my stepdad hed been waiting for me and i must have been asleep. So he came up to my room and wouldnt let me sleep unless i came with his to his house. So i went with him, went to sleep and he dropped me home before work because i wasnt allowed to sleep in at his because if thought id shag his room mates.
I was txting Park Bench Boy and he said you worry too much because i apologised for saying something. But ive been conditioned to apologise, to think everything is my fault. He used to say ive done something wrong and should be comforting him. Even if i hadnt done anything. Even if it was all in his head. The emotional and mental abuse was worse. The bruises healed but the other stuff has stayed. This makes him win.
So mum is drinking again. That didnt last long. Shes making me think im going crazy, shes making me doubt myself. I found a brandy bottle, the next day it was gone, then the day after it was back with less brandy init. So i stuck a post it note on it, saying i was done with her. She must have seen it straight away and said it was from before and shes not drinking, so i was like sure mam. She said ill tip it out now if you want, i dont need it. TOO LATE IVE ALREADY TIPPED IT OUT MUM! Im the queen of passive aggressive.
I dont know what to do. I dont know whether to tell Sis how bad it is, the only reason she stopped drinking last time was because Sis threatened to take me and the oldest nephew away from her. She was so badass. She told mam that shed never seen us again if she didnt sober up. I wish i was more like her. Sis has noticed shes drinking but im not sure how much she sees. The thing is Mum has to have an ECG about her heart and she still drinking. How can you be worried about something that is your doing?
Ive dyed my hair, i like to change it up. Its red. Not as bright as i want but its nice.
It makes me feel like a different person when i dye my hair.
So positives this week:
I organised games night and had a drink.
Dyed my hair.
Went to a family party.
Had 7 bracelets ordered.
Organised my beauty room so i can do a carboot.
Too many cardies? I think not.
I had two new tattoos.
Happy Reading Bitches!