I feel like a broken record. Another bad day, another bad day, another bad day.
I had my meeting with the police yesterday. There is nothing they can or will do. The DC or DI, whatever he is, said he agrees with the decision that was made if not the reasoning. I asked him could i press charges for the mountain episode. But he didnt think it was a good idea, asking why i wanted to? I tried to explain i wanted justice for what that bastard did to me. But the DC said there wasnt enough evidence, they would question why i didnt report it in the first place and it wouldnt make me feel safer so why? He also kept comparing my case with more serious cases like rape and murderers, that just made me feel like shit, it took a lot to report him and hes reducing it to a simple call without understanding the mental torture ive been put through. He kept saying well he has rights, his rights… WHAT ABOUT MY RIGHTS? My right not to be afraid, to not jump every time the phone goes, or have a panic attack whenthe door goes, apparently a criminal has more rights then me.
I am looking into a solicitor to see about having a restraining order but i dont know if i can fight anymore. Im so tired of fighting this. Maybe i should cut my losses and move on. I completely understand why women dont report domestic violence. The DC called them “private” crimes, chauvinist pig.
I found another of mums brandy bottles stashed behind the bin. Whenever i think she has control of her drinking she proves me wrong. It’s disappointing. So as sick justice i suppose, i sent her a photo of an article in a magazine on how to stay sober. I wish i wasnt such a scaredy cat to confront her about it. Or to tell my sister how bad it is. Ive never been good at confrontation.
Alas delivery guy is no more. I cant be bothered for his childish games. “I havent heard off you” yes mate you have, you’ve just not replied. Jeez grow a fucking pair and message me, dont wait for me all the time. I am lonely though, im pining for company, for someone to share my passions and likes. I want someone to want me for me, not the image they see, or to control me but just me. Times like these i regret things not working out with my One True Love. If you saw me a few years ago, you wouldnt think i was the same person. Up until my anxiety really took hold, i would be out every week, i had a ton of boys in my phone, when i ditched one, id add another to the list, i broke a few hearts and stood up a few clingers (nicely of course, im not that bitchy). I even pulled a guy when i was fast asleep on a bench. Ok so when im tired no about of alcohol will wake me up, i have to sleep, so i put my head on my sisters lap outside while she smoked and she called after this group of boys saying one of you wake sleeping beauty up, and this one guy came over i sat up, smiled chatted for two mins then we’re kissing. Thats a personal best. Me and the girls have a saying once you go beck, you never go back, because the amount of exs who have retried it on after we have ended is ridiculous. God how i miss that beck.
It doesnt help i dont have many friends, i have the Sis, Bestie and a newbie (my sisters college friend) but even then shes more of the sis friend then mine. Oh i do have the crazy texan, she helps to keep my spirits up. She makes me laugh so much. But i feel like im a burden, that everything revolves around me because of all of this shit, the bestie didnt even tell me she was opening a new shop until she had the deposit paid, i understand she needed it to be kept quiet, but that hurt. And the Sis didnt tell me about her not feeling well. I want to be regular but have fun but all of the girls have kids and are loved up except me, im alone and no kids. To also make me sadder i still live at home and i have 3 dogs and a cat.
Maybe i should stop fighting the ex thing. And work more on me. Get back to Beck.
Happy Reading Bitches.