Im been having a really shit few days. The ex bail is due up tomorrow and im terrified. The officer phoned me on Sunday and told me they wont be going further in the investigation because Lucifers phone did not show any calls and it would be TOO EXPENSIVE for the next stage. I asked him what was the point in the PIN then, its useless. Well it protects you. Does it fuck. It may have been one phone call but if i hadnt called the police straight away he would have kept calling me. I felt like telling the officer that i would give him the £2000 for the next stage. He was horrible to me on the phone, when he was saying there was no threats, i was trying to explain about the mountain. But he basically told me i wasnt held hostage, i was technically falsely imprisoned and that i could have physically got away from him if i wanted to. I tried to explain that i couldnt have got away because i had no phone and didnt know where i was.
I understand i didnt report it. But i was telling him that to show exactly how disturbed my ex was and how terrified i am of him. I get nightmares most nights, if i think about the relationship im shaking, i jump every time the door goes. I fear he will make good on his threats and stab me. I hate myself for not leaving sooner, there was so many times i could have called the police but i was so under his thumb and so scared of him that i couldnt. Even now hes winning, he still rules my life with fear.
I was too emotional to finish the post. I spoke to my sisters friend. She asked me to go through the timeline with her. She doesnt understand why i got the pin, she said i could have had him arrested. Shes going to pass it on for me because somethings gone wrong with case. She said it doesnt matter he only called you once, it was cause of conduct (or something like that) because he breached a legal document saying he would not contact me.
I also spoke to a guy in work and he said he cant understand why the police didnt phone me after the mountain. He said i understand you didnt report it but you went through a very traumatic experience so why didnt they phone you a few days later to make sure you didnt want to press charges. To be honest those days are such a blur i have no idea what the police said to me. Being tired and anxious is all i remember. Im starting to gather evidence against him, im going to have to go through all our texts and im really not looking forward to that.
I feel like my life is on hold until he leaves me alone for good. Asit stands if i listen to his previous threats, i fear ill be stabbed or beaten senseless, hes even told me hed happily do prison. Fear is a powerful thing, especially when you have severe anxiety. I fear the stalemate my life has become, i fear him hurting another girl but most of all i fear for myself. I fear 6 months down the line, when i think its safe to dream again and him taking me back up that mountain or worse killing me. I dont think he will ever fully move on. I think it eats at him that i got away, that i chose not to be with him and he may kid himself but when hes feeling depressed he’ll turn to me. I know what his game is because its happened before. When his new girlfriend pisses him off for some stupid pathetic reason, he will go to his hidey hole, smoke weed and go through his phone of exs to see who he can catch and hook back in.
On a plus note, i got my results back. Im clean as a whistle. So thats something.
Happy Reading Bitches.