Im frustrated. I phoned the police to be updated on the case and they said the officer was meant to call me but had no word from him. I asked when his bail is up and they said court is 15th march. WAIT WHAT? Court. Im not sure if that was me or his ex.
I have a horrible confession. Its eating me up inside. When he called me from the police station and i went to collect him. He said he was done for attacking his ex. So when we got his broken car sorted he turned to me and said i’ll tell you the truth i did hit her and i enjoyed it. She stole money from me and wouldnt leave, she was punching me so i punched her back. I was so twisted by him i didnt care what he had done, as long as it wasnt me. How could i let myself be that person? The person who doesnt care that he hit another woman. Thats not me. I was so twisted up by him, i didnt see it at the time but i do now. I see him for he truly is. I will never again allow someone to have that power over me. I always hated women who didnt leave a domestic violence relationship, i thought they should leave and had no pity for them. I didnt understand. I didnt get that they twist you up so much that you doubted yourself. Like when he accused me of looking at guys, he argued so much, id think i must have looked at them. He would always kick off and say you should be comforting me after what you’ve done. I started to believe i had done these things.
I believe he has a personality disorder. He was so paranoid it was delusional. He couldnt sleep so i offered him one of my old tablets. He asked for more because he liked the buzz. I told him if was taking that much of it he should go to the doctors and get something similar. He didnt listen until it was a usual appointment and the doctor gave him a row for taking so many of them. Up the mountain he accused me of drugging him. I would always get calls saying if i did t cater to his needs he would do something silly, the amount of times he said he was on a bridge ready to jump. He is the boy who cried wolf, he gives people with mental health a bad name. It was always about him and his needs, he never once catered to my anxiety and the one time i had a bad two weeks because i had been accidentally been talking the wrong dosage, he was meeting another girl and his excuse was i didnt think you wanted me anymore.
Over 6 months he owes me over a grand. I paid for everything. I bought him gifts. I even bought his parents christmas gifts. I didnt get any of it back. One of the times he called me after the mountain, i was like you only want me now because you probably have no money. He replied he had £500 on the bank. Good for you mate, im broke on my ass because of you, because i gave you so much of my money i had to borrow off family and was paying it back leaving me broke. He used to say to me, why wouldnt i stay with you, you pay for everything. He would then say he lied about that to hurt me. But it was just a control thing. Manipulation at its finest. Why did i let it go on so long? Because it was easier them trying to end it. Look at all the shit i had to go through, i had to get a pin and its now going to court for his harassment of me. He plays on vulnerable people and makes them think they are strong and capable, tears them down and builds them back up. I cant take compliments anymore because i heard your fat more then your beautiful. He used to insult my cardies and call them granny. The one time mum said that I flinched and said please dont call me that.
On a positive. I did my first night shift last night, i even locked the back up by myself. Im so proud of myself. I always feared the shift because he would turn up and demand i get in the car where an argue would occur. But another part of me has healed. I know ill get there but it did so much damage to me, it makes me wonder who would want me after this. I shouldnt think like that because he wins, but sometimes my thoughts go there.
Happy Reading Bitches.