I decided to post my blog on my facebook account, i wanted people to know that domestic violence can happen to anyone and it was the next step to healing. I didnt want to be ashamed of what ive been through and by putting it out there i am showing no more fear.
My sister and mum have read it. They now know everything i went through. Sis feels alot of guilt because she took me to his for my first date. She couldnt have known what would happen. They have been asking questions or making remarks and ive been slowly opening up to them more, speaking about it is helping me to deal with it. Im shoving most of my thoughts away because if i let myself feel or deal with the mountain i dont think id cope. So im trying to do it in stages. Ive blocked out most of what happened. Me and sis have spoken the most about it because shes more curious i suppose about it, maybe curious is the wrong word. Ummm lemme think. Shes more invulnerable to it then, like she can hear what i went through without thinking she has to bubblewrap me unlike mum.
So friday night is girls night. We watched greys anatomy. The episodes last night were very hard to watch Jos abusive ex husband came into it. He was very much like Lucifer, a master manipulator. He even said something very similar to what Lucifer did. After he got stabbed, i slept for 18 hours, i was exhausted because i had had like 4 hours sleep in 36hours. He thought i was cheating of course because my phone was on do not disturb, he was like what about me? ive just been stabbed and youve slept, u should be taking care or me and making me feel better. The characters Paul says something very similar to his new finance. He was very good at trying to get sympathy.
Thinking back on it. I didnt want to be with him for the longest time. He knocked my confidence down so much that i didnt think anyone would want me, my family were giving me shit so if i ended it, all of the stress would have been for nothing and it was just easier to be with him then not. When we would argue, i would try to end it but he wouldnt let me. He would say it was over when he said and that would only be when he was finished ruining my life. So i used to let go of arguments and just let him win. It was easier that way. I put up with so much off him.
One of the things that bothered him was how close and reliant i was on my family. He kept telling me he wanted to get a house for us so i could get out from my “over bearing family”. He just wanted more control over me, i am so glad that he didnt come between me and my family. Im lucky they never gave up on me.
Ive been in touch with the police, the case is still ongoing, he had deleted his call log so they have to go through the phone company. I wish he would just make this easier. Im not going to give in, he can make this as difficult as he wants, i still will not give up. I will see this through to the end. Im not letting him off the hook. I really wish i had pressed charges against him when he held me hostage but i was so sleep deprived and had no food or drink that i just wanted him to leave so i could sleep. He would have gone to prison for that, which i dont think would be a good place for him, he needs a mental health ward to deal with his issues. I just want him to never be able to contact me again and to have the correct order in place for it. Is that too much to ask?
So delivery guy. Hes a complicated fella. Hes been abit weird this week. Not really texting me and when he was, he was very abrupt. So wasnt expecting much from fridays delivery. I was on the phone and he came over and kissed me quickly then kissed me on the forehead. Swoon. I love this, im not really a girly girl but i love a few things guys do like a forehead kiss or cwtching from behind. Hes so adorable. We did arrange a sleepover date for friday night but he had to work at a god awful time so had to cancel it. I think hes cute and like him but it wont ever work as a relationship between us. Hes a good stepping stone for the time being. That sounds bad but we are using each other, hes only just come out of a relationship and she seems to be quite similar to Lucifer, i dont need that drama i have my own.
I do want another relationship eventually but i think i need to build myself up abit more first, i need to spend time with the girls, dance, laugh, flirt with boys and just have fun. But my ideal guy would have a rock look, blue eyes, and tall. I want someone who shares my humour, who will laugh with me at shit and watch lord of the rings with. Someone who will accept me for me, mental and health and all.
Ive been speaking to some old friends of me and the sisters. One of them, we had a very silly falling out but got chatting again and all three of us snapchat at least once a day, we actually seen her earlier and i turned to the sis and said ive really missed her. So we’ve decided we are going to meet for food because all three of us love our food. Im really looking forward to it. Shes a true friend, even though we were t speaking, she still gave my nephew money for christmas and when she realised something was up, she msged me to see if i was ok after the mountain incident. The other friend just had a baby, she is the sweetest thing, she has the most amazing owl like eyes, im so excited to meet her. The sis and i havemt pushed because so many people were visited L and all she wanted to do was sleep and get used to being a mum, so we decided we would visit the friend when she was ready.
So children. You’ve read about my nephews. Someone asked my sis why i didnt have any. I have always been adamant that i didnt want children. I had my nephew and i raised him with my sister so i didnt need my own child. I also saw childbirth, it is fucking horrible, i didnt last till the birth, i had to walk out, even watching one born every minute makes me heave. But the past year or so, seeing my youngest nephew grow has made me broody one day. Im told im very good with children, that i have loads of patience but i get to give them back at the end of the shift so i can do fun aunty things. I want my sister to feel that aunty bond. I would love to adopt. Childbirth isnt for me, the ring of fire sounds fucking horrendous. Pregnancy also looks bloody awful, it honest to god looks like an alien film when the baby moves, especially when they are on one side and the other side is flat. (Can you tell the sis traumatised me). Ideally i would love to adopt a baby then a toddler so that i could get used to a baby then a child who needed more attention. If this wasnt possible i would love to foster teenagers, i could be patient with them while naturing and being firm. This is just a dream or something for later life, you need to be secure to do this, also im not even sure with my mental health if i could.
Im off to bed, im exhausted. More next time.
Happy Reading Bitches.