Soooo i did my first evening shift in work. I closed the place down and locked up. Im super proud of that. Its the first night shift ive done since the Psycho Ex or Lucifer as we call him. I didnt panic, i didnt feel anxious, i felt good except for my wisdom tooth. If youve never experienced the paid of a wisdom tooth then fuck you and your perfect teeth. Your wisdom tooth pushes through the gum but oh noooo it doesnt go quietly it says hey tooth buddies im moving in and im guna fuck shit up, heres my metaphorical fist punching you. And all of you teeth near it hurt. So yes im feeling very grumpy.
Im staying down nans tonight, i hate Mondays at my house and for good reason. My mums drinking again. She thinks im stupid or she just doesnt care that i find her brandy bottles. I havent confronted her about them, when i find them i leave them on the top and they magically disappear. I was going to confront her last week because on my hunts i found 5 bottles around the house. I put them in a carrier bag and was going to be all epic and hand her the bag and say something cool but she found the bag and got rid of the evidence. Soooo i had no ammo. Anyway back to the point, im down nans and an hour later my phones goes its mama, she wasnt drunk but can tell shes been drinking, she asked to speak to nan and i already knew something was wrong. I could only hear nans side of it so i said to nan its kicked off hasnt it? Im not meant to tell you. Nan i heard yours side of it. I dunno what happened but my stepdad smashed our patio door in anger.
This is what always happens. My mum drinks and lashes out. Im not saying its always her fault because my stepdad does start it but when shes drunk or drinking she lashes out and will not stop. Im the peacekeeper. Always have been and if she keeps drinking, i always will be. I love my mum shes my rock but as soon as she takes a sip of wine my anxiety spikes. I feel my body tighten with tension. Shes a different person, shes not my mum anymore just the person who gives me nightmares. I dont sleep well on those nights because im so restless listening to every noise waiting for the next argument.
Mum was sober for 7 years and she started drinking slowly. Once in a while, once every weekend, all weekend, through the week and finally brandy in between the wine. When she was drinking before it was vodka. She kids herself with the brandy, saying she has q bad stomach and takes a shot of whiskey. Yea as if that old wives tell is going to work.
How do you tell someone that you love so much that you hate them just as much? Ive never been good with tension and arguing, its not in my nature. But since Lucifer its got worse. They have been on their best behaviour and not argued for a while so it was obviously coming sooner or later. Im just tired of feeling uncomfortable in a place thats meant to be my safe haven. If i gave you a list of all the shit the pair of them have achieved youd think they were naughty teenagers not in there 50s and 40s. If this carries on, i fear one of them is going to end up in prison.
When my mum was sober. She was the best mum ever. The house was tidy, the washing done, food cooked, she laughed and smiled and i loved spending time with her, but when shes drinking i either go to bed and get back up or she goes to bed, i cant spend to much time with her. Does that make me a bad person? Thinking of my mama that way? Thinking of her temper and then the loving mother whos held me while i cried over Lucifer, who helped me heal. You would never think they are the same person.
I just wish i could get my mum back.
Happy Reading Bitches.