Ya know when you meet someone new and you share the list? The list of guys or girls you’ve slept with. Well this is my list. I shall nickname them to protect their identities.
I WILL BE ADDING FUNNY STORIES TO EACH GUY.
Being extremely shy i didnt kiss or snog a guy until i was drunk at a sax kiddies night when i was 14. I was extremely old, most of my friends had kissed boys when they were 10/11. I had two boyfriends before my first. One was a pathetic excuse for a relationship, he was 2 years older and i was so shy i had one date with him but his friends teased him so bad we never went out again. The other was an emo who i did like but he kept pressuring me for sex which i wasnt ready for. I still remember the brake up call we had, he said he was breaking up with me, im really sorry blah blah blah. So i said ok no problem see you soon. He was not expecting that at all. I could hear the shock in his voice as he asked me if i heard him. Uh yea your breaking up with me. Haha. Dude i was 15 what did you expect? Me to declare id love you forever. Come-on. After him is where it got interesting.
Aw the first boy i ever loved. I was 15 when we met, he was 20. He was my step brothers friend and best friends to my sisters current boyfriend. I woke up one night came downstairs and it was him and my stepbro hanging out after going out. My step bro passed out and it was just me and him. We chatted for ages. Then he pulled the move. His arm was around the back of my chair and he slid it over my shoulders until i leaned into him. We kissed. It was amazing. And i was so glad i wore cute pjs. He came around the next night and we did it again, waited for my step bro to sleep so we could kiss. This went on for maybe two weeks.
It was the guys pool presentation night. We all turned up. Id only been there an hour and went home. Next thing i know its kicking off. Me and the first had been rumbled. My step bro was furious. I spoke to my mum about it and she said she knew because he couldnt take his eyes off me. He text me saying we shouldn’t see each other anymore. I was devastated but he text me saying he was at a party and couldnt stop thinking of me. Que butterflies.
The next night was the family pub quiz night. Turns out the first was coming. Mum told me to go outside and he came out. We spoke and he told me he had missed me and wanted to give us a go he didnt care about the age-difference. He asked me on a proper date.
Before our first date my step dad wanted a word with him. Let me paint a picture of my step dad. Hes an ex bouncer covered in tattoos md piercing, hes one scary ass looking dude. So when the first came over mum took him outside, she came in and said quick upstairs. We were listening to everything in the bedroom window. My stepdad warned him to look after me, to make sure my studies didnt falter and to not hurt me. It was amazing. Anyway the first took me out to a tennis club where we sat in the sun and just talked. It was casual but nice.
The thing i loved most about him was he never once pushed me for sex. He knew i was a virgin and wanted to wait till i turned legal age. Even after i turned 16 he didnt pressure me. We built up to it naturally. The first time he told me he loved me he was drunk and we had argued and he said ive never done this before, and i was like what, a relationship? No been in love! My heart melted.
My first time. Argh so i wasnt naive enough to believe it was all sweetness and rose petals. But i still didnt think it would be that painful. So we each fooled around with the other. He suggested i go on top because i could control the speed to which i go down his penis and cope with the pain. And oh my god it killed like a motherfucker. I finally got all the way down lifted up went back down and the bastard came. He said it was because of the blowjob and how tight i was. When we tucked up to sleep he said your not a virgin anymore. Yea babe lets not count that. (funny story).
Sex was ok. It wasnt until a few guys after that i started to enjoy sex. Me and the first broke up twice and lasted 11 months. The age difference was too much and i was more mature then him. All he did was drink and play pool or poker.
So the first guy gets 4 star rating. The sex wasnt the best but he was a sweetheart who didnt put pressure on me which is the more important thing. You should never feel like you have to give someone sex for respect. I have always lived by the saying why buy milk when you get the cow for free.
I met the druggie through work when i was 16 nearly 17. Me and my sis worked at a decorating place and he worked there. One night we all went out and he was flirting with me all day and was shocked when i said goodnight and closed the door in his face. Now you will start to notice a pattern with my guys, he was the first of the pattern. Controlling. He told me once this top i had on was out there and it made me so self-conscious i didnt wear it again.
Sex with him was better but still not fantastic. We only dated for 3 months ish. And slept together a few times after that. I had a total grease moment with him though. He had told me he wasnt interested in a relationship because he was going away on holiday so mum took me out and bought me a bang tidy dress. It was so short and it was covered in gold sequins. When i turned up to a works doo he was so shocked to see me he came grovelling back. It was amazing. But it turned dark. Turns out he had been with his gf the whole time. I thought they had finished. She even struck me with a glass. I phoned the police but he bullied me into dropping the charges and then had the nerve to say he needed space from both of us. The cheek of it! Over the years hes tried it on but ive told him no. It wasnt worth it. Hes now a drug dealer and beat a guy unconscious. Nice guy him.
Theres not many funny stories regarding him because we didnt have that much sex, he did fart once during and hardly EVER came.
1 star for this creep.
I met the MP when i had just come out of a dark time. My nan died and i sunk into a depression, i didnt leave the house, hell the sette, for months. But i was starting to live again. I joined a group called ACT which paid us to learn. £40 a week to go in and to skillswork. It was a piece of piss. I used that money to part. Party hard. This is where i met MP, dont get the name yet? You will later.
MP made me laugh so much. My dad was away one weekend so me and the girls decided to go out and go back there. I was meeting MP. There was 4 of us girls and all of us took guys back. I dont think i slept with him that night i think we just fooled around and omg he had a MASSIVE PENIS. Get it MP?. It was like a babys arm. Anyone we got together but he was a typical 18 year old, he wanted to booze it up and get sex. FUNNY STORY this particular night, my dad turned up early so we hid the MP between two single beds.
I had a suspected miscarriage, i bled for weeks. I was meant to meet his nan and because i was anaemic i asked him to get dropped to mine instead of his and we’d get the bus up to his together because i was very weak from the miscarriage, he said no. He wouldnt even meet me off the bus. I got to his and went to change and he dived on me trying to get it on. Um NO MP im still bleeding. He was a dick so i said im leaving, i walked downstairs and he grabbed my arm and said he you go now its over. So i did i what i had to, i shook him off and said well its over then. And went to open the door. He quickly changed his tune and said he was sorry blah blah blah. We ended not badly but not good either.
I do however have the BEST walk of shame story with him. I went back to his and he snuck me in. Every step on the stairs he took i took one too because of his born again christian mother. So we got to his room and i can hear this beeping but i dont think anything of it until the front door goes. His mother answers the door and then theres a knock on his door. So i hide in his bed with his arm over me and wow oh wow. At the door was a fireman and we have to evacuate the house because the beeping was the carbon monoxide alarm. He says ah mum becks here. It doesnt matter we have to get outside. Now i havent mentioned my outfit. Hair extensions, a tank top with my tits up to my chin and a mini skirt that some people wear as a belt. So i get dressed but add his top and as i walk out the door there is two rows of people, imagine when a couple walk through the lines of people when they exit the church. Something like this:
Yea it was like that. So one side was his mum and dad, the other was the firemen. His mum holding her baby son smiling kindly and the firemen smirking and me. It was freezing so they said hop in the fire truck love. So in i went, i think i flashed them all my pants from my micro mini skirt. Next thing his mum is handing me his baby bro to keep him warm. So there me, MP and his baby brother sat in a fire engine waiting for news.turns out it was ONLY LOW BATTERIES. I humiliated myself for low batteries. So off we go back in, go to sleep and wake up. I asked MP if he could get me a taxi home, he said no heres money for a bus. He gave me the wrong time so i had to wait outside hungover for half an hour. When the bus finally turned up the driver looked me up and down and said “single or return love” with an evil laugh. I then had to walk from the bus station to my house, praying my dad didnt see me. We eventually stopped sleeping with each other, what a shame. NOT.
FUNNY STORY he worked as a clearer for the council and brought home handcuffs so we were laughing and he wanted me to handcuff him to the bed which i did. But he panicked and tightened them and i couldn’t undo them so i had to call mum to come undo them, luckily he had clothes on.
3 stars for the MP. Mainly for the walk of shame story that a comedian used in her act.
The Pre Marine
I was due to have my tonsils out so my friend took me out. I was GAME. We went out and she sees this group of guys she knew. She introduced me to the birthday boy and his face. He did a double take when he seen me. He was FIT. But surprise MP is here. Apparently the marine is his best friend, although id never seen him before.
So yes after the tonsils came out, i will admit i stalked, i found him on facebook and sent him my number. And oh shit i was embarrassed. Few days later. Boom a reply! We hung out a few times and he seemed to really like me except his friend liked me too. After we slept together a few times, i didnt hear off him. I found out from another friend. He did really like me but because his friend did too, he walked away. Bit gutting because i liked him but who knows what could have been.
FUNNY STORY the first time we slept together was on Valentines day. I had arranged fo him stay over after a night out. My friend J was staying over too and she was in the next bedroom. So i could hear having sex and she could hear me and then both of us start laughing which the guys did not find amusing. Mam also uses this story, remember the time J had sex upstairs and the floor was squeaking, woke me and Stepdad up. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
2 stars. Almost unforgettable.
Ok so im not going to give to much details on this one until later. Just check out his name haha.
I met Frenchie on a night out. We started texting and meeting up. He was cute in a surfer kinda way. We decided to hang out and date because he was going to Bali for three weeks back for a week then moving to France for the year. So we hung out and had fun but we really liked each other so we decided to be together. He had only slept with one girl before me, he had a 4 year relationship with her. But turns out he was a liar. The night of my birthday night out he had gone camping. But on our last night together before he went to Bali, as we walked to his he slipped up and said he was with his ex. Um what?????? Apparently he wanted closure and lied to me about it. I was furious i didnt speak to him all night. My sis wanted to drive up and get me. But he didnt cheat so i forgave him.
When he came back we spent the week together before he went to France. His last night out. I woke up at like 4 in the morning and he wasnt here so i went downstairs and he was passed out on my sofa. So i left him there. We spent a lovely day together then he left for the airport. I was in bed then i got a call from my best friend at the time. Frenchie had kissed another girl. She needed me to know. So i text him. He said no. Then he rung me saying he asked a friend and he did and was sorry, he couldnt remember. I forgave him because im nice like that. We spent a few weeks here and there visiting.
We’d been together about 6 months when i started to get pissed at him. He came home on a visit. He was going to Swansea on a night out and i decided to go up with my friend. I put a tiny dress on to surprise him. I seen him in a club and he spent the whole time flirting with another girl IN FRONT OF ME!! So i danced my ass off and gave him hell the next day. We didnt last long after that.
He was really stuck up, i remember having a meal with his family and i dropped food on my lap, i was so uncomfortable i left it there and subtly put it on my plate. The whole meal was taken in silence. It was strange.
FUNNY STORY he turned up at mine, he needed to talk to me, he had tears in his eyes as he said i have ED. Whats that??? Erectile Dysfunction . I burst out laughter. Couldnt control myself. I explained he didnt have ED, everyone cant get it up once in a while. Ima bad person for laughig but fuck me he was 20 and so naive.
3 stars. He wasnt a bad person just a liar and the first guy i broke up with.
I knew him for years. We got talking and he came home for the weekend to see me. He had the smallest penis ive had. But he was good at sex. We spent a few weeks having so much fun, we laughed all the time. I invited him to my college art show and he said yea he would come. But the week of it he wouldnt reply to me and he didnt turn up so i did what any girl would do i greased myself. I look HOT. That night i met my One True Love. He text me about two weeks later saying he did really like me, in fact too much and he was going to afgan so he didnt want me to get hurt so ended it but missed me. It was too late i was with my one True Love.
3 stars. I laughed with him. Sex was good and he werent a bad guy.
My One True Love or TL
Id been messaging TL for a few months. But i was seeing Frenchie so i didnt cheat. On the night of my art show i text him where are you? He said he was home and i asked him if he was coming to town. He met me in towm. We flirted and i was waiting for him to kiss me so i took the plunge and kissed him. HOT. He offered to drive me home and i said i live 5 mins away. But he thought i was only saying that to avoid hi, until he realised i did only live 5 mins away. He said he had a plan, he was guna drive me home and then kiss me. The first time we met up he took me to his house. We spent the day kissing, talking and dry humping. Haha like teenagers. I didnt know if i liked him until he drove me home and reached over and held my hand. I got butteflies. I really liked him.
TL was amazing. I used to call him my hovis bread. He looked like a bad boy with a heart of gold. Best of both worlds. We were together for two years. It didnt end well but hes the one i would go back to in a heartbeat.
I was diagnosed with a panic disorder when i was seeing him. The medication started my restless leg syndrome. I didnt sleep much and i was self harming. TL would cwtch me when i cried and he would leave me a joint when i couldnt sleep because of my legs. He never made me feel bad for being ill. The last year we were together he prac lived with me. He moved stuff in and stayed every night but he wouldnt say he lived here.
It started going down hill when i was in hospital for my appendix. The day i was meant to come out i asked him to tidy my room because i couldnt move much, i reminded him to take his ceral bowls down. And he kicked off so bad, telling me not to speak to him like that. I came home and he was here but didnt speak much, he did help me walk about but then he went home. Apart from hospital it ws my first time without him in my bed for nearly a year. Mum helped me upstrais i realised his ps3 was gone. Mum hes taken his stuff, hes gone home. I was devasted but too ill to do much.
I realised life was short, i was so ill and nearly died so i wanted to live, i didnt want to stay in and smoke weed anymore, i wanted to go out. But he ws happy smoking weed and wouldnt do much with me. I think we only lasted a few weeks after this.
About two weeks after we broke up. My sis texts me, her boyfriend ambused her into letting my TL stay with them for a few days. I knew he didnt get on with his parents so i said yes its fine. But miscommunications he moved in with thim. We were ok, i spoke to him. Until my sis told me he was bringing a girl there, his new gf. We had only been over for a few weeks. I was devasted. I didnt speak to my sis for a few days. But i came round and said it was ok but if she met my nephew i wouldnt speak to her again. So she told him his new gf couldnt come there with my nephew.
He eventually moved out and we lost touch. I always think about him and still care for him because he was the love of my life. He gave me a tattoo for my birthday, he designed and did it. He told me he didnt want to tattoo me in case we broke up. But when i look at it now i see the love and good times we had and i treasure the tat.
4 stars. He doesnt get the full amount because of the way we ended.
One Night Stand
He was a frind of the pre marine and MP. After them too he did spend the night at mine but we didnt sleep together and i may have accidentally rolled out of bed. We were drunk and lying in bed. Next thing i know im on the floor with loads of crap on top of me and hes poking his head over asking are you ok? We laughed for about an hour after that. (FUNNY STORY)
He came to mine to watch a film and we slept together. It was amazing. He was epic in the sack. Hes my accidental one night stand because i didnt mean to sleep with him. My sis thought this was hysterical.
3 stars, not a bad guy and good sex.
Ok this is the time to tell you about him. I meant him on a night out. We were texting and he was super weird so i wasnt really into it. On a night out we went back to mine for sex. His hand skills was epic. It was going good until the sex. He slipped in, he started moving, i said wait grab a condom. His reply too late and he came. What the actual fuck. It was 30 seconds long. He had every excuse going, im drunk blah blah blah. So i asked him to leave. Emergency pill next day.
0 stars for sex but 5 stars for the epic story and my bestie.
So we pick up after my TL. My sis bf was friends with 30 seconds and they were having a party and him and his baby mama were guna be there, i didnt speak to her because i felt awkward at having slept with her boyfriend. So me and her were in the kitchen, i was grabbing a drink and she turned to me and said “sooooo sex is shit with him isnt it?” I burst out laughing and that was it we were besties and still are.
He was a friends brother, much younger and he had a gf. But we hooked up a few times and he kept telling me he wanted to leave his gf for me. He was massive! But not too big. Just right. This dragged on for months. One night im sleeping and my sis rings me guess who i got here. He comes on the phone and my sis tells me to get down there. Apparently his gf had attacked him. He had scratches all over him. Now i was on new medication for my mental health. As i woke up and didnt go back to sleep, i started to feel ill, i run to the toilet and strated heaving. Im sitting on the floor and he comes out and sits behind me and cwtches me. He and my sis took care of me. It was sweet. We all sat on the floor talking for an hour.
The end came when i seen him out and was crying like a baby over how he treated me. He came home with instead of his gf and we had sex. After that i was done. What can i say i like the chase and once i got sex i was over him.
2 stars. Not a bad guy just a child.
The bestie had left 30 secs about two weeks after i met her. She moved in with my sis because she had no where to go. We all had the best summer ever. Anyway one night we went out and she shows me the barman she had a crush on. Well he was flirting with me but i wasnt in to it. I met an Irish guy and we all hung out together. I took the irish guy home and omg. He made me cum with his magic mouth. I called him The Magic Leprechaun. While the bestie went home with the Player.
My sis started working at his pub so we all became frinds. Me and him got really friendly and he was helping me with my mental health. I knew he liked me but i wouldnt go there until the bestie encouraged me. She said it was a one night stand and you both like each other so go for it.
After my TL i decided i didnt want another relationship like that so the next two were nothing like that. I wouldnt spend every day with him. I wanted my space. At first he liked this because so many people bowed down to his party persona. But he eventually got annoyed that i didnt chase him around. He broke up with me in a costa. Brill everyone saw me cry.
4 stars. He was more of a friend then a boyfriend.
The Two Night Stand
Ok so the Tattooist friend. We went out one night and said who do you like. So i pointed a guy out that i used to flirt with in my old work pub and she drags me near him to dance and then sets me up, we danced all night and he walked me home. I got his number but not his name. Ooppss. I arranged a netflix and chill date, we all know what this means. So we hooked up in the sofa and oh my days it was amazing. Like amazing. We hooked up another time but because he was drunk he was drooping. So not good.
4 stars. He was awesome the first time, bad the second, hot as hell but didnt get my humour.
I was set up on a blind date with the pooper. He was sexy and funny, but we massively rushed it. Sex was amazing with him. But he wanted it all the time and would pout if i said no.
So he had really bad social anxiety and would need a poo before driving or meeting new people. He was very OCD which was annoying because he could be critical of me. He was a massive duche when he drank and would grab my arm and treat me like shit. It all ended because over christmas my step dad and nan went into hospital and i had to work extra shifts to cover my mum and couldnt see him. Instead of coming to mine to help me out he moaned i wasnt going up his.
I remember a drunk text i had off him saying something like you could stay in the darkness with me but your choosing the light. All because i was getting better with my mental health.
2 stars because he was cray cray.
Hes going to have his own post because the bastard held me hostage and im suffering post traumatic stress from him.
There was other dates and txts betweens these guys but non worth mentioning. I like the chase, i like space and i hate having a guy text me all the time. Apparently i suck at picking guys.
Happy Reading Bitches.