My Monsters

Crazy Bitch

I was diagnosed with panic disorder and mild depression. Then add in self harmer and restless leg syndrome. I didnt sleep properly for months. I was finally sent to a psychiatrist because i was on suicide watch by my family.

I was misdiagnosed and on the wrong medication. I was told i had severe anxiety with mild depression. Hypogognic Sleep disorder. Post traumatic stress disorder. Destructive behaviour. Catastrophe thinking. OCD.

This all means i was not sleeping because i would hallucinate monsters under my bed. I was extremely anxious all of the time. I was a self harmer. I would panic thinking a tsunami would hit or id be run over with a bus. I was given so many medications and CBT.

But then i was found i have GAD.

Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Which means i have no anxiety trigger i just feel anxious all of the time. I was finally given a medication for my restless legs. I started sleeping for the first time in years which improved my mental health.

I now take a variety of medications:

Mitzapine

Venaflaxine

Lyrica

Anti Hystamines

Propanol

This is the best combo ive had. Im still not fully there but ive felt better then i had for years until my ex held me hostage. Now im back to square one, i jump and panic when i hear the door or see a blue car (his car). I have nightmares of being back up the mountain. Im struggling daily. Ive started having acrylic nails so i cant start self harming again.

Self Harm

If you arent a self harmer it is hard to understand why we do this. The only way i can explain it is Hurt by Johnny Cash. “I hurt myself today, to see if i still feel pain, i focus on the pain, the only thing thats real.” By scratching my arms it released all of the anxiety i felt. By feeling the physical pain it helped with the emotional pain.

My mum used to wrap my arms to go to sleep so i wouldnt self harm. I used to scratch my arms and leave marks all over them. This really didnt work because id scratch my legs instead.

Hallucinations

I would only have these at night. I would wake up and think there was a monster under my bed or spiders on me. When i was in it it felt real, i couldnt understand it wasnt really happening. It would be till i woke up i would realise that monsters werent real. I only suffer with this now when im really stressed out.

Insomnia

I still suffer with insomnia. I have a fear of sleeping. I survived on 6 hours a night if that. Its hard to relax enough to sleep. Hence all of the sleeping tablets.

Happy Reading Bitches.

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